That snorkel's been just like a snorkel to me! (sailorptah) wrote in litkids,
That snorkel's been just like a snorkel to me!

  • Mood:
  • Music:
First big Fiction assignment, for which just about nobody is prepared. Critique would be nice. The big question is: given that it's almost entirely in dialog, does that carry the story well enough? Can you guys tell what's going on? (Oh, and, is it good in general, of course.)

“Hey, hi there!”

“Oh, hello!”

“You waiting to get picked up too?”


“How come? I mean, like, what are you doing at school this late? I know I didn’t see you at, at the student council meeting.”

“Anime Club started today. And I dragged Kiri here along.”

“Say, what’s your name? I know you’re in some of my classes, but I, like, totally can’t remember who you are.”

“Thisbe. I know you; you’re Kayla; you’ve gotta be about the most vocal kid in the whole school.”

“Well, thanks! So, like, what exactly do you do at anime club?”

“Ah, we watch anime.”

“. . . Oh. That’s cool. Look, we’re trying to pick the theme for the next, for the next dance, and it would be, like, really cool to get some, y’know, to talk to non-council people for opinions. We, like, narrowed it down to an astronomy-type thing – y’know, stars and planets and stuff – or an ocean deal, with water and fish and coral and things. So, whaddaya think?”

“Um . . . I dunno, they both sound like they could be pretty cool . . . Kiri, what do you think?”

“. . .”

“C’mon, like, speak up!”

“. . . The star one.”


“I think I like the star one.”

“Yeah, me too, come to think of it.”

“Cool! Okay, I’ll, like, tell them at the next meeting that you said so. Okay? O – hey, here comes my mom’s car. See you guys tomorrow, okay?”



“. . .”

“Strange girl.”

“. . . Yeah, she is.”

“Okay, I’ll get the goggles, you get the solutions and the equipment and—”

“Hi guys! Can I, like, work with you?”

“. . .”

“Um, sure, Kayla. You wanna help Kiri get the test tubes?”

“Sure! –Y’know, Kiri, these aren’t all technically solutions. The teacher keeps using that word, but it’s, like, water for instance is actually a compound.”

“. . . Oh.”

“You totally don’t care, do you? That’s, that’s okay. I can see that. But I just think, if you’re gonna, y’know, use technical terms, you oughta use ‘em right, right? Right. Okay, here we go – so, you remember what the first step is?”

“Putting on goggles.”

“Oh! Yeah! Right. Ooh, Thisbe, can I have the pink ones?”

“Sure, why not?…Here ya go.”

“Thanks! I really think blue, blue’s more my color, but, y’know, no blue goggles…Hey, Kiri, green looks cute on you!”

“. . .”

“So, like, what next, though?”

“Lemme check my paper…okay, we’re checking pH first. Whatever that is.”

“It’s, like, how many hydrogen ions are in the stuff. Negative logarithm of that, y’know?”

“. . . ?”

“The what now? Ohmigosh, did he say that earlier and I missed it?”

“He’s never said it.”

“Yeah, like Kiri said. I just, like, looked a little ahead in the book. What I wanna know is, I don’t get why they never teach us any cool formulas like this . . .”

“Blech. Wait, cool? Did you say – did you just call formulas ‘cool’?”

“Like, totally! And then we could graph them, and calculate how many hydrogen ions or O-H-negatives they’d produce in water, only, the thing is, what if the substance isn’t, like, soluble? ‘Cause I think that would kinda, that would throw it off . . .”

“I have NO idea what you just said.”

“None? None at all? What about you, Kiri?”

“No clue.”

“You aren’t just making this stuff up, are you?”

“Of course not! This is, like, all totally straight out of the textbooks.”

“So – wait – you actually read ahead in textbooks?”

“. . . Y’know, that’s kinda mean. I know I, like, act like an airhead and stuff, but I am so totally smarter than everybody thinks.”

“Yeah . . . sorry about that . . .”

“Excuse me a sec, Kevin – some, like, friends of mine just came in…Thisbe, Kiri, hi! You actually came! That’s, like, so cool – so whaddaya think about the decorations? We ended up, we went with the ocean thing instead, but Lisa, like, went all-out drawing these really colorful cool fish, so I think it looks totally great anyway. Doesn’t it?”

“Yeah! No, seriously, it looks great! I love the lighting, all the blue – but still, if they start playing rap I’m outta here.”

“Well, it kinda doesn’t fit the theme – they’re, like, trying to play ocean-type songs. Like Caribbean music, and, and, y’know? So, like, they probably won’t. Hey, you should go check out the snacks. This one girl made these, like, totally delicious brownies, and they’re gonna go fast. So, did you hafta drag Kiri here too?”

“Ooh, brownies? Really? Yeah, I dragged Kiri. Told her the only thing less pathetic than coming alone, if you don’t have, like, a boyfriend, is coming with a friend. Didn’t I, Kiri?”

“Yes, but you were just trying to get me to come.”

“Eheh. Well, yeah, But c’mon, you will have fun.”

“Yeah, like, seriously! Now come on. You guys totally have to get to those brownies. And do you know, like, how to do the Electric Slide?”

“Heya, Kiri!”

“Oh, hey, Kayla.”

“Where’s Thisbe?”

“She left early…orthodontist appointment. She’s getting braces.”

“Oh. So, like, why are you, what are you doing here? Didn’t you only go to Anime Club because Thisbe, like, dragged you?”

“Well, yeah. But I’ve kinda gotten into Saiyuki, and I didn’t want to miss the next episode…”

“Really? That’s totally cool! So, like, aren’t you glad Thisbe made you start going? The dance too. I swear I saw you, like, grinning there. Thisbe’s gonna look so cute in braces…”

“Yes, well . . . it distracted me.”

“No kidding? From what?”

“My mom died.”

“. . .”

Kiri nods.

“Ohmigawd! I had NO idea! I’m so sorry! How? When? I mean, I mean, you don’t have to answer me at all if you don’t want to – I’m not, I swear I’m totally not trying to be nosy. I’m just . . . wow. I had no clue. I’m sorry. I, like, really am.”

“No, it’s all right . . . It was last summer, I mean the one this year, right before this school year started. And Thisbe – y’know, she’s been my best friend since, like, second grade – Thisbe tried to cheer me up, and then she started trying to distract me. And pretty much she’s been doing that ever since. And at first it really just felt like she didn’t really care about the things we did, like she really just cared about distracting me. And she kinda did…

“So it didn’t really help, but then, well, you were completely different, y’know? You had no idea, so, so that was good because you were doing things because you actually cared about them, which kinda snapped me out of it.”

“Oh . . . cool . . .”

“Uh-huh . . . so, yeah, I’m okay. Pretty much. You know?”


“So . . .”

“. . . so, like, are you doing anything on Saturday? Because if not, we should so totally get Thisbe and go shopping. We can help her pick hair clips that, like, match her braces, and ooh, I almost forgot! This, like, new place just opened at the mall, that sells anime and stuff! You guys are so totally going to love it.”
  • Post a new comment


    default userpic